And so this year has settled into a gentle denouement, and yet for much of it, I was anticipating twelve months of crippling uncertainty. The downward spiral of the steepest learning curve to date taught me to not take anything for granted, and that nothing is ever really stable. I have learnt about our misguided conception of order, and that, in reality, we are only one stroke of bad luck away from the darkest lairs of chaos, and this precarity is so real. The firmest of foundations and strictest routines are nothing but fallible constructions, capable of disappearing beneath your feet at any moment without any warning or remorse.
It’s fair to say that 2019 has been dedicated to steadying the ship which had veered off course in quite Titanic fashion. I have been cautious of myself, ensuring that I maintain a neutral position. By this, I mean that it was necessary to recover myself from months of feeling miserable and hopeless, and also to ensure that I did not accelerate into the same over-optimism that made me naive and conceited. But the result of this has left me self-reflecting in front of the mirror and seeing a husk staring back at me.
Despite implementing and continuing to maintain the essential character reform I was in desperate need of, I could not help seeing a familiar version of myself that had last existed when I was about 16. At that time, I was riddled with feelings of inadequacy and desires to please others at the expense of my individuality, which I did not feel comfortable presenting. Finally being able to be who I was became the most liberating point of my existence, and although I overindulged in the excesses and negative tropes of such a character, the person who I was at last allowed to be before my descent was the person I do want to be for the foreseeable future.
I am in no way completed, but I am for once consolidated in what I expect from myself. I am aware of the grave flaws and idiotic mistakes I have committed and am capable of, and learning through them has been an education in life I could not have received anywhere else. 2020 is now up to me, and I am not naive enough to believe that vicious critics and further setbacks are not to be a recurring motif in this next chapter. But I am now ready and excited to tackle these trials and tribulations.
Let’s get it.
Amazing piece xx
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