knowing my ‘self’.

It’s getting to nearly a year since I started this blog, which is quite an achievement given the frankly unsustainable rate at which I have picked up and dropped hobbies. To be honest, I didn’t have a burning desire to take this on at all, but I felt myself being drawn closer to the idea of doing it out of necessity.

For the first time in my life, I found myself in a state of anger that I could not seem to shake or extinguish. I guess if you dissect this ‘anger’ far enough, you would find a mixture of frustration, despair and insecurity, but regardless of what made up what I was feeling, I could not stop feeling it. And I felt it taking over, albeit very slightly, but it was enough to make me feel uneasy at what was happening. The facade I was dressing up in everyday became tiring and my inner workings became overworked, and so I decided that I was going to write everything down and see whether that would ease my mental discomfort.

Because I didn’t have a burning desire to take this on, I really didn’t know what the hell I was going to write about. Not exactly stepping off on a stable foot, but I didn’t let that deter me. I started to write about subjects I was passionate about, commented on some current social issues of our time, and of course, poetry, because to me, it’s the easiest and most brilliant way than I can articulate the abstract. It comes fairly naturally to me, but I’ve also taken it upon myself to read as much poetry as I can to hone my own writings.

And as a result, I’ve noticed that my writing has improved ten fold since my first piece, ‘Sardines and Washing Feet’. Turns out the skill of writing is just like a muscle – you need to train it as often as you can if you want to see results. Although I’m very proud that the blog has racked up over 9,000 views and has been graced by over 4,000 visitors, on reflection today, I’ve noticed that I’ve sold myself short a bit on what I originally set out to do.

The reason I started this was to bring that harboured negative energy out in the open so that I could confront it head on, and it turns out that I’ve covered everything except for that. Whilst I am in a much healthier place mentally, it seems my pesky subconscious has managed to avoid any sunlight to fall on what needs to be addressed. Anyone who has read my stuff knows my opinions on a variety of issues, but doesn’t anything remotely about me, or philosophically, my ‘self’. They might know some things about my ego, the outward portrayal of ourselves that we all wear as a mask, but they haven’t gone the slightest inkling of my ‘self’, the inner workings that encompass my thoughts, doubts and outlooks.

So as I am nearing this blog’s anniversary, one thing I’m going to focus on a lot more is allowing my ‘self’ to creep in on some of these writings.

It’s looking forward to seeing sunlight.